Annularis

"Thou strivest ever; even in thy yielding thou strivest to yield - and lo! Thou yieldest not."

I finally understand what it is that I want from you . . . what I want is just to want, as it makes me feel alive, just a little less jaded, just a little less indifferent. For so long I have strived to command such a consummate control over my life, only to find out that it’s boring me. And yet, even in my recognition, I endeavor to control this, too.

Restless, never satisfied, I either want it all or nothing. I ruin nothing by turning it into something, and turn all into none on a transient whim. Realization does nothing to alleviate this inescapable cycle, this inevitable pattern. It still thrills me to get what I never wished to have.

insquequo deinde
~93

*quote from Liber Cordis Cincti Serpente vel LVX, I:44