The Adventures of a Scarlet Harlot

Tower

2007-08-07T19:17:00.000-04:00

Never say I don't need you, or that your presence here is inconsequential.

I am not deliberately harsh; however harshly deliberate I may be.

If I am as the lightning bolt, then those about whom I care the most are as the pile of rubble I have made . . . but only momentarily, as their destiny is so much more than that.

I am merely here to hold up a mirror, I am an instrument, an incentive, a way of catalyzing a change which is so direly needed.

Further explanation is unnecessary, even presumptuous . . .

But know only this - this is the one thing I do without ego. You merit all due credit for crystallizing this notion and bringing it to light from out of the murkiest depths of my subconscious.

For this, and all other reasons, I love you always . . .

Eyes

2007-08-07T18:47:00.000-04:00

You move like I want to
To see like your eyes do . . .

215 days
have flown by like a dream
another day
but for me a revelation
awakening . . .

but now,
have I lost my new eyes?

I was
so willing to
loosen my grasp

I can't now believe
how quickly
how easily
how soon
it faded from view

~93

Pique

2007-05-18T19:26:00.000-04:00

Watching
From the outside
As I spin out of control
Anger consumes me
What it leaves behind is hollow
Negligible
A husk of the person I once was

I thought I was beyond this
Because it's been so long
But I'm not

I'm not immune to losing control,
Not immune to forgetting to harness
The beasts of my rage.

Seven Deadly Sins Survey

2007-05-03T19:25:00.000-04:00

I've gotten a few e-mails requesting some more information about me. Well, seeing as that is highly classified and/or excessively boring, I took a survey instead. I hope this answers all of the questions you may have, and most of the ones you didn't want to ask . . .

Seven Deadly Sins Survey:

Wrath
Who did you last get angry with?	Some random bad driver.
What is your weapon of choice?	My mouth
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?	Only in self defense.
How about the same sex?	See above
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?	My father
What is your pet peeve?	Weakness
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?	I usually let them go . . . it's useless to waste energy on active hatred.
Sloth
What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't?	Writing
What is the latest you've ever woken up?	12:30 pm . . . after going to bed at 10:00 am
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?	Several old friends
What is the last lame excuse that you made?	I can't go out because I have nothing to wear.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?	Only in a drunken and/or hypnopompic state.
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?	Twice
Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?	I never touch coffee . . . but I do have expensive tastes in liquor.
Are you a meat eater?	Chicken and fish only, no red meat.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?	I really don't remember . . .
Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?	Yes
Do you enjoy candy and sweets?	Yes
Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?	Depends on my mood . . . I alternate between them all equally.
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?	No
Greed
How many credit cards do you own?	Two
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?	Spend every cent.
Would you rather be rich or famous?	I'd like to be famous for being rich.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?	Isn't that what I'm doing now?
Pride
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?	I can't narrow it down to just one.
What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?	Moving out and staying out.
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?	I'd like to publish a book or own my own antiques business.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?	Sometimes.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?	Occasionally
Have you ever cheated to get a better score?	Never needed to.
What did you do today that you're proud of?	Got all of my work done today, because I have a day off tomorrow.
Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?	I'm having trouble counting . . . let me take off my shoes.
How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?	See above.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?	Yes
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?	All of them
Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons?	Yes
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?	No
Envy
What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own?	Nothing, I have the ability to get what I want.
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?	Any random person - but only for a day.
If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?	Myself
Have you ever been cheated on?	Yes
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?	Yes, but only fleetingly.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?	There aren't many that I don't already possess.
What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often?	I try to do most of them daily.
Do you do the least often?	Envy or Sloth
Is your favorite to act on?	All of the fun ones.
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

Annularis

2007-05-02T19:35:00.000-04:00

"Thou strivest ever; even in thy yielding thou strivest to yield - and lo! Thou yieldest not."

I finally understand what it is that I want from you . . . what I want is just to want, as it makes me feel alive, just a little less jaded, just a little less indifferent. For so long I have strived to command such a consummate control over my life, only to find out that it’s boring me. And yet, even in my recognition, I endeavor to control this, too.

Restless, never satisfied, I either want it all or nothing. I ruin nothing by turning it into something, and turn all into none on a transient whim. Realization does nothing to alleviate this inescapable cycle, this inevitable pattern. It still thrills me to get what I never wished to have.

insquequo deinde
~93

*quote from Liber Cordis Cincti Serpente vel LVX, I:44

Expansion

2007-04-17T20:56:00.000-04:00

The moment hits and I descend into the far reaches of rain-soaked deserts and tropical tundras of perplexity and color. I'm like a rock in a pond; consciousness and reality and coherence come and go like ripples of icy-cool water. Free of all encumbrances native to life, religion and politics, I dive down into the liquid emotion and find it is a long while before I must resurface for a breath.

I speak to the lights and the darkness the with the quietly cacophonous voice of existence beyond death. I dance with the denizens of my own private forest, who fill my as yet empty cup with premonitions of a history I've never studied. I float on like a mesmeric, majestic dragon and breath the fire of omni-sentient butterflies. Rainbows appear in a field of green grass, leading nowhere and everywhere at once. Halos of sunshine surround like an aura, illuminating all I have ever wondered or even thought to wonder. Cloud whispers dance seductively with my psyche. Wisdom hangs on the air like so much smoke.

I do not fear death, only a return from whence I came. Everyone and every thing is indubitably, unimpeachably, infinitely real in my sphere. Knowledge is ripe for the picking, shiny and red or green or gold, or black as the night, blue as the sea, or purple as the sunset. In the house with open windows and unlocked doors, I discovered the future and the past as one . . .

insquequo deinde
~93

Emergence

2007-04-11T18:34:00.000-04:00

Dawning springtime sunshine rises over the tall tree canopy and floods the greenish blackness of the night with its warm crystalline hue. The rays of the early morning sun chase shadows from the corners of the earth. Shamash rises with such brilliance, such intensity - he sets the landscape aflame. Life crawls up from the darkest recesses and into my view . . . Dawn.

They say every trip has its turning point; every journey has its revelations - what will you take with you when you come crawling back home to the murky depths of reality?

(I've heard the mind's interior is nice this time of year.)

insquequo deinde
~93

Tearing Down

2007-04-10T17:01:00.000-04:00

This vulnerability
Is so unlike me
Too caught up
Losing me
Trading in for you
Hanging on your words
Playing this drama in my head
Unsure of where I stand
How you feel
Or if you do at all
I’m all done
But I can’t help but
Thrive upon the feeling
Of living on the edge
As boredom makes me
Want to do it all again

Tearing down . . .

You transcend all the superficiality of my predisposed boundaries, binding spells with your words. You strip from me my apprehension; you tell me I am too good for it, and that I will no longer have it to hide behind in your company.

You need not ever ask why I feel as I do.

I have never met someone with whom I can trade places so thoroughly.

insquequo deinde
~93

Anthropomorphized Marshmallows?

2007-04-07T19:07:00.000-04:00

Happy Holidays, all . . .

[ED - These were taken around my office at work. Believe it or not, my office mates consumed an entire box of these evil little saccharine lumps . . . which is why I'm not posting the pic we took of the peeps in the mens' room]

Dysphoria

2007-04-05T19:39:00.001-04:00

Deepest sadness, but I’ve pled my case; I do not know what more to say, as I feel there are no words left unspoken. If I can not give you all that you need, then take it, run with it, and revel in it. This life is meant for pleasure, not for pain, we were born for luxury, not for heartbreak.

insquequo deinde
~93

Ephemeral

2007-04-05T19:31:00.000-04:00

These eyes askance,
These words enhance
My vision of willful,
Preternatural trance.

The dream, a chance
To change, to glance
Upon the inevitable
Shaded circumstance.

insquequo deinde
~93

The Tree

2007-04-04T20:27:00.000-04:00

Start with nothing, but remember that nothing, the consummate absence, is also the absence of definition. Nothing becomes limitless; to aid interpretation, this becomes limitless light. All this is evidently without form, until a point of this light appears in the darkness. This point recognizes itself, multiplies, and becomes many; though the duplicates do not burn so brightly as the original, they solidify progressively . . .

insquequo deinde
-93

The Machine (Part II)

2007-03-24T15:53:00.000-04:00

Entertained and captivated,
Preordained, encapsulated,
Trained to sit still

Hooked on lies, intoxicated
Their poor reality elevated
Spoon-fed what they will

Drawn to a pattern
they call society
Living on crumbs
of consensus reality
Will we ever break free?

All equations calculated
Destinies asphyxiated
A life unseen

Individuality uncreated
All potential mitigated
By the machine

They trained us to
dream their dreams
Espouse their lies
and fit their themes
Will we ever break free?

(We can only break free if we tear it down . . .)

insquequo deinde
~93

Stolen

2007-03-10T08:06:00.000-05:00

Trust, the most illusory of conditions, is rained upon by the blows of a violation, left reeling, unglued, unscrewed and unable to rebound. It isn’t what was revealed (for I am not ashamed of either my words or my actions) but that it was revealed before its time . . .

You must now live with this revelation.

I must now live without my words.

insquequo deinde
~93

Impulsion

2007-02-13T19:48:00.002-05:00

Darkly detrimental, though it tastes so good
Acuminating my senses, like I knew it would

The arms of my favorite vice envelop me like a familiar lover, comforting me through the darkest hours of every season. I need it like I need nothing else on this earth. I need it because it is the only thing I have ever really wanted. I need it because to want, to need, is as close to humanity as I dare to get.

This aspiration, this most implacable intemperance, drives me ever onward toward the gentle embrace of my fixation. I find myself conquered again and again by my ignoble proclivities.

I am that which I desire; by becoming this, I cease to be all other things. This is the annihilation of self through the intensification of the ego. My unquenchable thirsts are as a mantra - built up only to be torn down.

insquequo deinde
~93

Amaurosis-In-Vogue

2007-02-07T19:51:00.001-05:00

The moments of my youth have been replaced by the hours of maturity; I can feel the days slipping, converging on the years of aged aeons, pressing on headlong toward the decades of amenable existence.

The callow caprices of old fade unto cold rationality, and take with them the eyes of inexperience which saw only in shades of black and white, but viewed the world without reservation, without stipulation, and were not afraid to believe consummately or to act with conviction.

Today’s eyes are shaded by the inconsiderable daily details of life: we don’t have time to think in these old terms of black and white because gray abstracts and facts and figures obscure so may of our ideals.

I am convinced
This is what they want . . .

insquequo deinde
~93

Coruscation

2007-02-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

The darkness begins to lose its battle with the daytime.
The dawn creeps stealthily in through the gaps in the curtains
Undeterred by the growing light, we continue
Fighting the realization that this night will soon come to an end
Taking with it the pleasure of the clandestine darkness
And replacing it with the cold clarity of the day
In which we cannot hide, cannot help but to be laid bare
All of our flaws in perfect palpability
Fighting our carefully constructed dusk illusions
And the phantasmagorias of our twilight artifice

insquequo deinde
~93

Division

2007-01-23T18:49:00.000-05:00

I find myself on the threshold of being alone again, without the warmth I have grown used to, yet unencumbered by the onus of another’s emotions which has heretofore bound me in a torpid lull. All things that flare with passionate light must in turn fade; it is fallacy to fight the progression. Without his arms to hold me, without this crutch I have leaned upon for far too long, I stand unattached but not lonely, for what I have always relied upon, above all other things, has been myself. Solitarily, but with solidarity of purpose and volition, I go on.

insquequo deinde
~93

Acromatic Labyrinth, Pt III

2007-01-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

Dropping down,
Down into the miasm
Into the folds of ancient memories
Lived by those who walked before us.
We must not stand on the their shoulders,
But must look into their eyes
To understand ourselves.

I’m searching for something that I can’t find -
A consciousness deep in my mind,
Buried in a pile of retrospections,
Sparkling somewhere in the dark.
I must tear down these trite reflections,
And on a mind trip I must embark.

If you disbelieve
What you perceive,
Discreetly leave
Make-believe portals
Of fancy behind -
But don’t forget
To check your mind.

insquequo deinde
~93

Acromatic Labyrinth, Pt II

2007-01-16T17:32:00.000-05:00

The scenic route between synapses:
Happening upon a train of thought accidentally;
No less, no more, but different thoughts to guide a charged mind;
A new knowledge of the nature of an idea;
A new way of perception;
A new method of thought,
Taken to a higher plane;
All earthly desires give way to a vision,
An overview, a clearer perspective;
Beauty magnified a thousand-fold;
Ugliness made uglier than ever before;
Seeing what is hidden;
Seeing what has always been,
But always tempered by conscience,
By illusions;
A separation of time and space;
A bending of the continuum;
Many movements within a few steps -
All dancing on the edge to the meaning of life as
An idea never before envisioned, waiting to be plucked
Out of thin air.

insquequo deinde
~93

Acromatic Labyrinth, Pt I

2007-01-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

Forever traveling through cryptic channels and electric wires of my mind, an image of starlight mingling with moonlight high above a snow globe town; the village of insane lies is risen once again. The truth and fiction melt together in a swirl of blurred delineations and muddy gray areas. Reality is lost to me forever, so I join them, the masked figures who dance in the park at a quarter to midnight. They are the Introspectres, the bringers of daydreams and the steganographic truths. Day by day they tell us who we are, but we do not listen. We choose instead to sit jaded and satiated at the feast of universal anonymity and drink from the cup of disbelief.

insquequo deinde
~93

Bonfire

2007-01-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

You took my hand,
Went to a place you knew
Where things really are what they seem.
You showed me secrets of which to dream but never to speak.
You gave me new spectacles and led me to new windows with your gentle words.

Ebony night settled;
By the light of the moon
I could finally see.

I looked on, in awe of the reptiles you command;
Their armies marching on in iridescent formation by the crackling orange firelight,
And leading us all back to you.

The conflagration raged.
The beat grew stronger
And the night blended
Into eternity,
Bending, stretching its bounds
To the music caught in the brume.

Each of us melted into a common melody;
We were indistinguishable tones piping only to the fire of your memory.

You are a dream.
You are an angel.
My only wish is
To see you again.

insquequo deinde
~93

Focus

2007-01-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

There exist so many different layers - whatever is immediately within the reach of focus becomes the focus. All points are relative to this focus; while the periphery is a wash of color and life, the reality of the moment is at the core, the center, the focus. Sarcasm. Sincerity. Truth or anti-truth in any form become confused in the verbal sense because all things are true, false, honest or unjustified relative to the focus. Anything is possible. Everything is real. You can never deceive a focused mind, for it will always and for eternity simply BE. Focus on the reality of the moment; to request any more is to ask too much. Diversifying the focus is such a lofty cause, and to what end? What purpose have we served in muddying the details with generalization and confusing the reality of the moment with ideas like "eternity"? Who needs "Forever" when there exists a "Right Now" within which all things are feasible? Who needs "Forever" when the space of one moment could conceivably define a lifetime? Lofty ideas can finally sleep because now, right now, we've got some real concerns to attend to, mainly consisting of life and the subsequent living of such. Real answers, the practical applications to all this spiritual, intellectual strife that I'm forever swimming in when I put the pen to the page, are right around the corner.

Seek to define -
What is the gimmick?
(It's all a matter of focus.)

If you cannot define a moment with words, what is lacking?
The moment?
Or the words?

insquequo deinde
~93

Renascent Awareness

2007-01-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

Transcending the baseness of our physical beings, the moment spoke to the prurience of our minds. The softness of your lips is disparate with the decadence of my nature, but instead belies the implicit curiosity of yours. You elicit an unlikely candor from me with your gentle mouth; your bottomless hazel eyes cause me to question the methods I have always embraced. Leading us away from the mundane and toward the incomparable sensation of deep understanding, you eclipse my reservations with your sweet syllogism.

Thank you.

insquequo deinde
~93

The Machine (Part I)

2006-12-29T11:21:00.000-05:00

It entertains and captivates,
Gives us all we need to survive,
Hooks us on a pattern called “society”,
Addicts us to a false pretense called “consensus reality”,
Gives us a goal, trains us to dream its collective dreams,
Calls us selfish if we long for something better,
Dubs us troublesome if we struggle to break free.

(The machine is vast, but brittle.
A Generation of free minds could tear it down.
But there are very few free minds.)

The genius of the machine is in its charismatic invisibility; politicians and public figures parade the main stage, willing scapegoats to the ongoing social downfall. The ignorant see these as the heart of the machine, but the real organization lies behind the scenes/within our minds, and influences the way we see our lives. For the machine to come crashing down, a change in the nature of our thoughts must be affected. A change in our actions would surely follow.

insquequo deinde
~93